How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
Your forehead is so big that teachers use it as a whiteboard.
Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.
Student: OOFT.
Teacher: Who are we missing?
Student: Your parents.
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."
Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"
Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."
I used to keep asking a woman if I can rape her until she got so annoyed and said, "Stop asking me."
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
What do Paul Walker and I have in common? Neither of us have seen Fast and the Furious 7.
What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?
Hearing AIDS.
Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?
He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.
A wild Iceberg appears! Titanic uses ram! It is not very effective. (Titanic sinks.)
This isn't a joke, but I'm a survivor and use humor to cope. I find these extremely funny, so please leave the people writing these alone 😭
I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.
I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.
I saw a man trying to rape a girl. I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against both of us.
