Yo mama so fat, she uses a mattress as a diaper.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so they could fuck in the water. But Jack forgot to use protection and now they have a daughter.
Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?
I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
"My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say, "Knock knock." We’d say, "Who’s there?" Then she’d say, "I can’t remember"... and start to cry."
Two kids were beating up a ginger kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
Used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask...
Yet here I am, stuck at home in this COVID-19 "Thriller," beating it...
We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Biden, no cash, and no hope.
I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.
All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."
How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?
Tell him that it is a confessional booth.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.
An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."
What do you call a U.S. border hopper?
A Mexican jumping bean.
A white woman was caught on video using racial slurs and assaulting two black students. She was charged with "interpreting" a black police officer.
Q. Why was the orphan unable to use the phone?
A. He was trying to phone home.
A little riddle...
Trump has it short, Kennedy has it long, the Pope has it but he doesn't use it, what is it?
...
Obviously the Surname, what are you thinking about you pervert?
What do people that can only use half their face and wankers have in common?
They have both had a few strokes.
An orphan uses a family bathroom, and when he comes out, he gets told, "This is a family bathroom."
Why can't orphans operate Apple devices?
Because they don't know how to use the home button.
What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.
