Use jokes

Why are emos useful in stores? A: Their barcodes give them discounts.

What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two, but now it's a sore subject.

Why don’t Asians use phones?

Cuz they wing da wrong number!!!

I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on the floor. But only for like twenty seconds.

Depressed people have beautiful smiles. Okay, it's not a joke for normal people, but it's a joke for us.

Yo mama so fat, she uses a mattress as a diaper.

Your mamma so fat she has to use the equator as her belt.

I'm so skinny, I could use floss as a noose.

Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?

I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.

The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:

"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."

The commander starts answering:

"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"

"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"

"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"

After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:

"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"

"My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say, "Knock knock." We’d say, "Who’s there?" Then she’d say, "I can’t remember"... and start to cry."

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

What do people that can only use half their face and wankers have in common?

They have both had a few strokes.

A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.

The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.

But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!

How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?

Tell him that it is a confessional booth.

What do you call a U.S. border hopper?

A Mexican jumping bean.

We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Biden, no cash, and no hope.

I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.

All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."