Escape jokes

Did you hear about the fortune telling dwarf that escaped from prison?

Reports say there's a small medium at large!

A tiny psychic escaped from jail, and the news said there a small medium at large.

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded?

Everywhere.

Where did Johnny go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

Did you hear about the cheetah who robbed a bank? He ran away so fast he almost got away with it, but he was spotted.

A cop pulled me over and shouted, "Papers!" I shouted, "Scissors!" and drove off.

[being buried alive]

Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?

How do you escape a French prison?

Yell angrily in German!

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.

I saw a dwarf scaling down a prison wall. I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."

If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.

What's the difference between an escaped prisoner and an orphan?

Only one is wanted.

Sleep, but make it forever.