Use jokes

What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?

They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.

Roses are red, don’t touch the toys, these are what the priests use to lure in the boys.

What do bicycles and slaves have in common? They both use chains to work.

How do you trick a Catholic priest into using the glory hole at an adult bookstore? Tell him it is a confessional booth.

One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"

I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction."

Girls are like math; if they're under ten, then you use your fingers.

To everyone saying, "Don't joke about suicide, it's not even funny to laugh about people dying." Do you think we have it easy? Have you ever thought these jokes were helping us to cope? Mind your own business and don't make assumptions on people you know nothing about, please and thanks.

Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?

Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?

Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.

Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.

What do Polish people in Poland use chop sticks for?

tweezers.

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

Me and a person downtown.

Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.

Me: I guess so.

Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?

Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.

Person: Why'd you stop?

Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.

I used to get pushed and called lazy in school.

Man, I loved that wheelchair.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

Nobody

Literally nobody

Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?

Teacher: What does the pig give us? Student: Bacon.

Teacher: Very good. How about the chicken? Student: Meat.

Teacher: Good, now what would a fat cow give you? Student: Homework.

My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I answered, "Happy."

The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.

Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.

Why do people like dating us emo girls? Because of the texture on our thighs.

People are pushing for a new black Lady Liberty coin. I can't wait to use black people as currency again.