Use jokes
The twin towers are like genders, there used to be two of them.
Why do vegetarians give good head?
Because they’re used to eating nuts.
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.
Nine months later, they happily had some use for their baby carriage.
Two years later, they went up again, then their daughter had a brother.
But one little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother.
In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
Why do lawyers use Viagra? To grow taller.
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
Your forehead is so big that teachers use it as a whiteboard.
Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."
Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"
Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
This isn't a joke, but I'm a survivor and use humor to cope. I find these extremely funny, so please leave the people writing these alone 😭
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?
Hearing AIDS.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
I asked my wife if I could use toys during sex last night. You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.
I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.
Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.
Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?
He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.
A wild Iceberg appears! Titanic uses ram! It is not very effective. (Titanic sinks.)
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.