US jokes

Girls are like math, if they're under 10, use your fingers.

For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

Rizz

Are you a basketball hoop? 'Cause I want to put my balls in you.

Are you a photo biographer? 'Cause I can picture us together.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"

Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

How do orphans have a family reunion?

They use a Ouija board.

When China built the Great Wall, the Mongols invaded them and founded the Yuan dynasty. With Trump building his wall, will the Mexicans invade the US and found the Juan dynasty?

No means no, but if you use chloroform, it’s a guaranteed yes.

God: “Steven, join us.”

*sees the staircase to heaven*

Steven: “Shit.”

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

Your mum is so bad at cooking, Gordon Ramsey brought back Hitler to show her how to use an oven.

This page could use more "butt quack" jokes.

What did the priest say to the other in the orphanage?

"Let us prey together."

What kind of vacuum does an abortion center use? A: Dyson.

So, if the reason people used to hang women was because they were seen as witches back in the day, if boys were to be hung, would they be called wizards?

Why did Shakespeare only write using quills?

Pencils confused him: 2b or not 2b.

Roses are red, eggs come in a dozen, do I need to revive Hitler to teach you how to use a goddamn oven?