US Jokes

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

How did the computer get out of the house?

He used windows.

What shampoo does Stephen Hawkings use?

Head & Shoulders.

Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"

I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.

I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.

The image is a comparison between a "Girlfriend" and "Uranium-235" each with a list of properties. Both are "Unstable", "Will split up on you", "Hard to find", and "Expensive". The girlfriend "Cannot be used to make atomic bomb" but the uranium can.

Q. How does a feminist stop a rapist?

A. By using her equal strength.

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

How do orphans have a family reunion?

They use a Ouija board.

Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.

No means no, but if you use chloroform, it’s a guaranteed yes.

When China built the Great Wall, the Mongols invaded them and founded the Yuan dynasty. With Trump building his wall, will the Mexicans invade the US and found the Juan dynasty?

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

Your mum is so bad at cooking, Gordon Ramsey brought back Hitler to show her how to use an oven.

What kind of vacuum does an abortion center use? A: Dyson.

God: “Steven, join us.”

*sees the staircase to heaven*

Steven: “Shit.”

So, if the reason people used to hang women was because they were seen as witches back in the day, if boys were to be hung, would they be called wizards?

What did the priest say to the other in the orphanage?

"Let us prey together."

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up..\n\nI now suffer from anxiety AND depression :\

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that if you ever feel useless... Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban.