US jokes

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up..\n\nI now suffer from anxiety AND depression :\

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

Why did Shakespeare only write using quills?

Pencils confused him: 2b or not 2b.

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that if you ever feel useless... Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban.

Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)

What do Phillip Adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

Many years of sex in the dark.

The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"

The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"

When Stephen Hawking was feeling hungry, he used to call in to his local PC World for a megabyte and some microchips.

The judge asked Bill Cosby for his defense. He used feminist talking points and said "My body, my choice" and "It's my right to privacy." The judge, being impartial, let Cosby go.

Your hairline looks like someone tried to erase it using Microsoft Paint.

God: “Steven, join us.”

Sees the staircase to Heaven.

Steven: “Ahh, fu-”

Two teenagers were raping an 11-year-old girl in an alley, so I stepped in to help. The little bitch didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.

You use your legs as support, you count on your fingers.

Student: "May I use the restroom, professor?"

Professor: "Oui oui."

Student: "No, professor, doo doo!"

When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."

Roses are red, eggs come in a dozen, do I need to revive Hitler to teach you how to use a goddamn oven?

Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."

What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.