US jokes

Why did Shakespeare only write using quills?

Pencils confused him: 2b or not 2b.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

This page could use more "butt quack" jokes.

Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)

Many years of sex in the dark.

The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"

The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"

When Stephen Hawking was feeling hungry, he used to call in to his local PC World for a megabyte and some microchips.

Your hairline looks like someone tried to erase it using Microsoft Paint.

God: “Steven, join us.”

Sees the staircase to Heaven.

Steven: “Ahh, fu-”

I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

The judge asked Bill Cosby for his defense. He used feminist talking points and said "My body, my choice" and "It's my right to privacy." The judge, being impartial, let Cosby go.

Why can’t Indian women drive?

They’re too used to riding their camels.

I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.

You use your legs as support, you count on your fingers.

Student: "May I use the restroom, professor?"

Professor: "Oui oui."

Student: "No, professor, doo doo!"

When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."

Roses are red, eggs come in a dozen, do I need to revive Hitler to teach you how to use a goddamn oven?

Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."

What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.