US jokes

Why don't you use a dull pencil?

Because there's no point. 😐😑😑

What does Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?

They both use 30-year-old meat in between two-year-old buns.

There’s a noticeable difference between using polish to remove grease and using Polish to remove Greece.

Shortly after the hole was finished, everyone in the forest was looking for long grass to fill the hole. The upper layer covered it with short grass and scattered some grass around the hole so it didn't seem as conspicuous. The next evening, the villagers hid in their houses and turned off the lights and waited inside, while one of the farmers stood outside and, if possible, unobtrusively skimped on a cart.

Around midnight, the Headless Rider appeared with his horse in the village. He saw the seemingly single peasant scooping his hay and rode towards him. He was about to swing his axe, and while he was doing so, he overlooked the slightly more scattered grass near the farmer – and thus fell into the trap. He clumsily slumped into the prefabricated hole together with his horse and now lay there helplessly inside, together with his horse, which swayed in panic as the rider's axe was stuck in its back.

When the villagers heard this, they all stormed out of the houses to surround the hole. They saw the Headless Rider, and when he noticed all the villagers around him, he cursed: “Gaaah! You stupid villagers caught me! I can't do much down here. I give up.” The villagers took his axe away from him. Now they only needed a just punishment for the rider.

One of the villagers shouted: “We should tie him to a rope and hang him! He tried to kill us all and plagued us for a long time. So we should kill him and let him suffer for a long time!” The other villagers agreed with him. So they tied a thick rope to a branch of a large tree that stood in the village garden. The villagers took the Headless Rider out of the hole and dragged him to the rope. As they were about to hang the rope around his neck, they noticed that something didn't fit in their plan to hang the Headless Rider. Then the Headless Rider cried out: “You stupid mortals, I have no head at all! Why are you trying to hang me?”

Explain Bear teaches us that explaining the joke makes it a billion times funnier.

Your forehead is so big, they used it for the Berlin Wall and the USA border.

Canada is the Keanu Reeves of countries. Too bad the US is the Kanye West of countries instead of the Dolly Parton of countries.

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

What dating app do people in Alabama use? Ancestry.com.

What do 9/11 and gender have in common?

They used to be two, and now it's a sensitive topic.

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

Yo momma so slutty, she could use a tank truck as a dildo.

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

What pronouns does Michael Jackson use? Hee/hee.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

What does a slave owner use to buy slaves? A Master Card.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

When a deaf girl master baits, does she use the other hand to moan?