Ups jokes

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

Why do emo kids love dressing up on Halloween so much?

It's their last holiday for them, but at least they're still hanging on...

When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?

The terrorists said over the intercom, "We're coming up to our destination, so we can't go over it, we can't go under, we have to go through it."

I broke up with my RBLX gf, and I heard my uncle crying in the other room.

Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?

Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

When Ariana Grande broke up with Pete, she said, "I have one less problem without you."

I saw a tree. I looked up, and there was an apple hanging. And then I said, "Wow, that guy is lucky!"

I saw an orphan fall in the street crying, so I ran up to him and said, "Are you okay? Where are your parents?"

What couldn’t the boy in the wheelchair do when he saw a bully? He couldn’t stand up for himself.

My grandad broke his legs.

To cheer him up, I bought him a Walkman.

How do homeless people move where they're living?

They pick up their box and walk away.

What did the kangaroo say to the elephant? Hi up there!

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Why would a dead guy lie?

Because he can't stand up.

"Mommy, mommy, where's my school dress... ewww!"

"Shut up and leave the bedroom."

What did the shoe say to the other shoe?

Nothing, it was tied up in another conversation.

Yo man, stand up.

*short person stands*

No, seriously man, stand up!

If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.

Why do men fart louder than women?

Because women can’t keep their mouth shut to build up any pressure.