Ups jokes

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

Yo mama so fat, when she made a joke, only one person laughed at it: the pavement. It was absolutely cracking up!

A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"

Rizz.

Are you a dinosaur? Because I want to blow you up.

Yo mama so fat, when she went to a dating service, they ended up matching her up with Pittsburgh.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"

Friend: "Your blood pressure!"

Motivational Quote for today: If you're feeling tired and ugly today, cheer up, you probably won't feel tired tomorrow morning...

I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.

All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

(Bully) Boy, you ugly!

(Me) Boy, shut up, that's why your hairline start at the back of your head.

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

The wheelchair kid laughed at my test score, so I told him to stand up to the anthem.

What do Special Ed kids and fast kids have in common? They like to do things sped up.

What falls down the building and doesn't get up again?

An emo.

What did the Taliban say to the Afghan?

Nothing, they blew him up.

I saw a tree. I looked up, and there was an apple hanging. And then I said, "Wow, that guy is lucky!"

Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?

Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

Stephen Hawking shows up to a car meet-up.

Your mama is so fat that when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the concrete cracked up.