Ups jokes

Motivational Quote for today: If you're feeling tired and ugly today, cheer up, you probably won't feel tired tomorrow morning...

I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.

All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

(Bully) Boy, you ugly!

(Me) Boy, shut up, that's why your hairline start at the back of your head.

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

The wheelchair kid laughed at my test score, so I told him to stand up to the anthem.

What do Special Ed kids and fast kids have in common? They like to do things sped up.

What falls down the building and doesn't get up again?

An emo.

What did the Taliban say to the Afghan?

Nothing, they blew him up.

I saw a tree. I looked up, and there was an apple hanging. And then I said, "Wow, that guy is lucky!"

Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?

Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

Stephen Hawking shows up to a car meet-up.

Your mama is so fat that when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the concrete cracked up.

I broke up with my RBLX gf, and I heard my uncle crying in the other room.

When Ariana Grande broke up with Pete, she said, "I have one less problem without you."

The guy in the wheelchair at my gym can do so many pull-ups with the wheelchair on, but I said to him, "Don't skip leg day."

Found this girl in Hawaii.

Put a stick up her ass and she said, "Ayi."

I don’t see what the problem is.

The Supreme Court came up with a solution to the tampon shortage, yet all the liberals are pissed!

My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"

I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."

He asked, "In an orphanage?"

I chucked a lamp and a depressed kid, hoping it would brighten up his day.