Ups jokes

When Ariana Grande broke up with Pete, she said, "I have one less problem without you."

I saw an orphan fall in the street crying, so I ran up to him and said, "Are you okay? Where are your parents?"

What couldn’t the boy in the wheelchair do when he saw a bully? He couldn’t stand up for himself.

Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?

Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

I saw a tree. I looked up, and there was an apple hanging. And then I said, "Wow, that guy is lucky!"

Your mama is so fat that when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the concrete cracked up.

Stephen Hawking shows up to a car meet-up.

My grandad broke his legs.

To cheer him up, I bought him a Walkman.

What does a race track and your hairline have in common? They both go up and down.

Motivational Quote for today: If you're feeling tired and ugly today, cheer up, you probably won't feel tired tomorrow morning...

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.

All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

Why aren’t short people allowed to be mentors?

Because you can’t look up to them.

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

Yo mama so fat, when she went to a dating service, they ended up matching her up with Pittsburgh.

Rizz.

Are you a dinosaur? Because I want to blow you up.

I went to a library and I started to make fun of a disabled guy. He started crying, and I said, "Stand up for yourself!"

Yo mama so fat, when she made a joke, only one person laughed at it: the pavement. It was absolutely cracking up!