Ups jokes

A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.

But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!

What did the kangaroo say to the elephant? Hi up there!

"Mommy, mommy, where's my school dress... ewww!"

"Shut up and leave the bedroom."

What did the shoe say to the other shoe?

Nothing, it was tied up in another conversation.

Why would a dead guy lie?

Because he can't stand up.

Yo man, stand up.

*short person stands*

No, seriously man, stand up!

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"

Friend: "Your blood pressure!"

Yo Mama so thin, when she signed up to be a stripper she became the pole

How do I fix a broken light bulb? I don't. I simply blow up the house.

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

Quote of the day: It's never too late to be what you wished you were.

Hope y'all are having a great day! I just got back from a volleyball tournament that I had to be up at 5 AM for! We played three games and won the last one. We advanced and are playing a few more tomorrow. Wish me and my team good luck!

A son walks up to his dad and says, "I'm so gay right now!"

"HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRAIGHT!!!" screams the dad.

"No, gay as in HAPPY," says the confused son, "I'm so happy right now!"

"Oh," says the dad, "why are you happy?"

Then the son said, "Because I just got 20 dollars for sucking a guy off."

This bunny named Mason came up to a bar and ordered a beer and a burger. He sits at a table and the waiter brought a huge burger.

Mason: "Heh. Good thing I eat like a horse." He looks up at the waiter.

Waiter: "You are a nasty little bunny, aren't you?"

Mason screamed and ran away as the waiter chased him... she was a HORSE.

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.

And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...

AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!

Jantje goes on a walk with his grandmother. Jantje sees 1 dollar on the street and picks it up.

The grandmother says: "Hey, Jantje! No picking up things from the floor! They are ugly and bad!"

Then they keep walking. The grandmother slips and asks Jantje to help her stand up. Jantje answers: "No! Everything on the ground is ugly and bad."