Ups jokes

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."

Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.

The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

What does a race track and your hairline have in common? They both go up and down.

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.

“If you're a dwarf and you're offended by that, grow up.”

Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”

What is the difference between 9/11 and rickrolling?

The Twin Towers gave up and let down.

Why did the cop show up early to the protest? To beat the crowd.

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

Why aren’t short people allowed to be mentors?

Because you can’t look up to them.

Why do men fart louder than women?

Because women can’t keep their mouth shut to build up any pressure.

If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.

I went to a library and I started to make fun of a disabled guy. He started crying, and I said, "Stand up for yourself!"

Walk up to an emo and say, "I like your cuts G."

Yo Mama so thin, when she signed up to be a stripper she became the pole

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.

But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!

How do I fix a broken light bulb? I don't. I simply blow up the house.

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.