Ups jokes

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."

Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.

The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Found this girl in Hawaii.

Put a stick up her ass and she said, "Ayi."

The guy in the wheelchair at my gym can do so many pull-ups with the wheelchair on, but I said to him, "Don't skip leg day."

I don’t see what the problem is.

The Supreme Court came up with a solution to the tampon shortage, yet all the liberals are pissed!

My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"

I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."

He asked, "In an orphanage?"

I saw an orphan fall in the street crying, so I ran up to him and said, "Are you okay? Where are your parents?"

I saw a tree. I looked up, and there was an apple hanging. And then I said, "Wow, that guy is lucky!"

Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?

Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

A homeless kid walked up to another kid and said, "I have what you don't." He said, "(Parents)."

And the kid said, "Your right, I do have parents," and walked away.

How do you get an orphan to go to sleep?

Tell them their parents are waiting when they wake up.

Rizz.

Are you a dinosaur? Because I want to blow you up.

I went to a library and I started to make fun of a disabled guy. He started crying, and I said, "Stand up for yourself!"

(Bully) Boy, you ugly!

(Me) Boy, shut up, that's why your hairline start at the back of your head.

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.

But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!

Yo mama so fat, when she made a joke, only one person laughed at it: the pavement. It was absolutely cracking up!

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"

Walk up to an emo and say, "I like your cuts G."

Yo Mama so thin, when she signed up to be a stripper she became the pole