Ups Jokes

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

Your mom is so fat that when she fell on the sidewalk, nobody laughed, but the sidewalk cracked up.

What happens when Rick Astley is getting an erection whilst singing "Never Gonna Give You Up"?

You get PRICKrolled.

What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?

Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.

Q: What kind of club do roosters go to? A: The Chicken Strip.

I made that one up.

A still from a television program showing two muppets. Grover wears a blond wig and a brown jacket, while the other one is blue with a brown wig. The text says: "Grover mocks Mr. Johnson by dressing up as his dead wife."

A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"

The bartender replied: "A shotgun."

What do you find up a ghost's nose? A BOOger.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Visiting Alabama? Pop-up dating ads be like: "Never be lonely at cousinsonly.com."

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

when someone says to cheer up: you, I never thought of that. :)

-> in reality, :( (sob)

depression is no game, and here in this world, we are here for each other, although at times it might not seem like it.

Keep strong, and you'll find the end of the tunnel, but ending the pain and being gone just spreads depression.

Me: Calls 9-1-1.

Operator: 9/11, what’s your emergency?

Me: *hangs up*

Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?

The grim reaper.

Two skeleton brothers are talking.

1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"

2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

How do you blow up an Indian person?

You press the red button.

A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears.

"I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing."

The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."

The End