I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.
Visiting Alabama? Pop-up dating ads be like: "Never be lonely at cousinsonly.com."
Your mom is so fat that when she fell on the sidewalk, nobody laughed, but the sidewalk cracked up.
What do you find up a ghost's nose? A BOOger.
Q: What kind of club do roosters go to? A: The Chicken Strip.
I made that one up.
What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?
Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.
What happens when Rick Astley is getting an erection whilst singing "Never Gonna Give You Up"?
You get PRICKrolled.
A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"
The bartender replied: "A shotgun."
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
What do you call an emo kid with light up shoes?
A human chandelier.
when someone says to cheer up: you, I never thought of that. :)
-> in reality, :( (sob)
depression is no game, and here in this world, we are here for each other, although at times it might not seem like it.
Keep strong, and you'll find the end of the tunnel, but ending the pain and being gone just spreads depression.
Two skeleton brothers are talking.
1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"
2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"
Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?
The grim reaper.
Me: Calls 9-1-1.
Operator: 9/11, what’s your emergency?
Me: *hangs up*
So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."
How do you blow up an Indian person?
You press the red button.
A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears.
"I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing."
The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."
The End
What time do butts get up? At the crack of dawn!!!
How many fingers am I holding up?
Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.
One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."
The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"
The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."
So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.
"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."
The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"
The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."
The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"
