Ups Jokes

I was at work yesterday and I saw this kid crying, I went up to him and asked him where his parents were, and he started to cry even more. Gosh, don't you just love working at the orphanage.

Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there the doctor asks him “Do you have cancer?” Pinocchio replies, “That was very straight up, but, no I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer.” After saying this, his nose grew.

I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.

one day little billy came in pulling up his pants the teacher asks "Where have you been billy" he says on top of beverly hill a few minutes later little willy came in the teacher asked where have you been he says on top of beverly hill 10 minutes later little johnny came in teacher says again where have you been ha says on top of beverly hill a few minutes later a girl came in the teacher says who are you she says i'm beverly hill

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

jack and jill went up the hill to find there dad again

A missionary was caught by cannibals. we was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.

A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says " Come! Meet Jesus!" One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first"

I walked up to a man and he said hows the weather up their and then i pushed him in the street to get hit by a bus

I love telling stories as theatrical plays. When we had a free dress day near Christmas my teacher dressed up as a reindeer, so I got my teacher involved...and shot her.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up. It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.