Ups jokes

What sucks about disabled people?

They can't stand up for themselves.

You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.

"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.

Jesus and Satan are just basically Homer and Flanders. One tries to help the other, only for Satan to just say, "Shut up!"

Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

Why does Hitler hate golf?

He would end up in a bunker!

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

Why make a joke when I wake up and look at myself?

What did the two crewmates say when they were hanging on a rope? Polus up!

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

We sped up the cycle of life and death, we gave Eric and Dylan a shortcut.

The terrorists said over the intercom, "We're coming up to our destination, so we can't go over it, we can't go under, we have to go through it."

when you see a depressed kid, you walk up and say "wassup my lil barcode"

The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents, buddy."

Yo, hairline been missing so badly that the police had to put up a wanted poster for it!

Confucius say, female pilot who fly upside down have crack up.

What goes up and down but stays in the same place?

Stairs.

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

Fat people are like the Twin Towers. Once they go down, they don’t come back up.

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"