Ups jokes
Jesus and Satan are just basically Homer and Flanders. One tries to help the other, only for Satan to just say, "Shut up!"
The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"
He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents, buddy."
Yo, hairline been missing so badly that the police had to put up a wanted poster for it!
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
Why does Hitler hate golf?
He would end up in a bunker!
Memes
Confucius say, female pilot who fly upside down have crack up.
You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
Because the pond was too shallow.
What goes up and down but stays in the same place?
Stairs.
"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.
What sucks about disabled people?
They can't stand up for themselves.
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"
What do you do when a woman is choking?
Back up a couple inches.
Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.
An Asian went to bed at 9:00, woke up at 6. People say he's still sleeping.
Why did the emo break up with her boyfriend?
He didn't wanna hang out.
Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"
Spiderman: "Yes."
Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."
Spiderman: "Why?"
Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."