Ups jokes

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

Why does Hitler hate golf?

He would end up in a bunker!

I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.

I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.

Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)

Jesus and Satan are just basically Homer and Flanders. One tries to help the other, only for Satan to just say, "Shut up!"

Cristiano Clapnaldo woke up FEELING DANGEROUS against Real Sociedad!

- 0 tapins! - 0 assists! - 3/3 dives! - 0 key passes! - 2 big chances missed! - 1/4 dribbles! - 2 Offsides! - 27 claps!

Better than Elanga?

Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

What sucks about disabled people?

They can't stand up for themselves.

Why make a joke when I wake up and look at myself?

"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

What did the two crewmates say when they were hanging on a rope? Polus up!

when you see a depressed kid, you walk up and say "wassup my lil barcode"

The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents, buddy."

Yo, hairline been missing so badly that the police had to put up a wanted poster for it!

We sped up the cycle of life and death, we gave Eric and Dylan a shortcut.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"

Confucius say, female pilot who fly upside down have crack up.