Ups jokes

I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.

I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.

Why does Hitler hate golf?

He would end up in a bunker!

Why make a joke when I wake up and look at myself?

What did the two crewmates say when they were hanging on a rope? Polus up!

when you see a depressed kid, you walk up and say "wassup my lil barcode"

"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

We sped up the cycle of life and death, we gave Eric and Dylan a shortcut.

Confucius say, female pilot who fly upside down have crack up.

You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.

Why did the ocean break up with the pond?

Because the pond was too shallow.

What goes up and down but stays in the same place?

Stairs.

Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.

Why did the emo break up with her boyfriend?

He didn't wanna hang out.

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

An Asian went to bed at 9:00, woke up at 6. People say he's still sleeping.

An American bully goes up to an English kid and says, "You're ugly!"

And the English kid says, "Well, wanna know why you can't play Jenga?"

"Why?" says the bully.

"Because you haven't got a tower."

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"