Ups jokes

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

There is an Afghan Barbie; it’s a blow-up doll.

What website should you go to to look up LSD dealers?

TripAdvisor.com

Sophia matched with a midget on Tinder.

Midget: Hey! What’s up?

Sophia: Well technically everything is, from your perspective!

What do orphans and garbage have in common?

They’re both in the street, and no one wants to pick them up.

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

An American bully goes up to an English kid and says, "You're ugly!"

And the English kid says, "Well, wanna know why you can't play Jenga?"

"Why?" says the bully.

"Because you haven't got a tower."

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

What goes up and down but stays in the same place?

Stairs.

What did Adam say when he saw Eve?

Answer: "Woman!"

An Asian went to bed at 9:00, woke up at 6. People say he's still sleeping.

Why are there more female history teachers than male?

Because women like to bring up the past.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻