Ups jokes

A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.

Why was Sally at the hospital after her parents left? Because they put her up for adoption.

Me: Calls 9-1-1.

Operator: 9/11, what’s your emergency?

Me: *hangs up*

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: "Why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?"

Little Johnny's dad was driving him to school when they came up on a couple in a convertible. It was apparent that they were arguing. You could then see the woman pull out a knife. Seconds later, his dad saw a penis land in the windshield. Worried little Johnny will see it, he quickly turned on the wipers and brushed it off.

"What was that, Dad?" asked lil Johnny. "Oh, just a bug," said his father. With a confused look on lil Johnny's face, he then says, "That bug sure had a big dick, didn't he?"

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.

Did you hear about the two-car pile-up in Mexico? Yeah like 200 Mexicans died.

I was 11 or 12 at the time.

Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

Why did the orphan sleep outside? ... Because he gets to wake up to Mother Nature.

Why is a sick person and California similar? They tend to burn up.

Get up, you lazybones!

How do you stop a baby from drowning?

-Lift up your foot.

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"

I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

A farmer walks up to his farmer neighbor with a jug of milk. The farmer says, "I milked your cow." The neighbor replies, "I have a bull, not a cow."

Billy: *spits out food*

Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.

Dad: *looks at mom*

Mom: Shut up.

If you get it, you get it.

Remember kids if ur ever mad beat up an orphan what are they gonna do call their mom??

Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?

He got inked up.

what's the difference between an onion and a baby?

nobody cries when you cut up the baby.