Ups jokes

What did the shoe say to the other shoe?

Nothing, it was tied up in another conversation.

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

What is the best way to make a leaf?

Go down, back around, and stir up a tree. Make it spin, watch again. Oven baking, ding, we're done!

Why did the orphan get arrested for identity theft?

He dressed up as Batman for Halloween.

There once was a man from Peru who dreamed he was eating his shoe.

He woke up at night, with a terrible fright, to find out his dream had come true.

What’s the worst part about a dead prostitute?

You end up doing all the work.

Go up to an orphan and say: "Yer ma is deed."

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

SHUT UP EVERYBODY!

Yo forehead so angled, your mom could walk up.

I bullied a handicap today.

What is he gonna do? Stand up for himself?

A sibling went up to their other sibling and said, "Dad said you're adopted."

The other sibling said, "You are, too."

Then the first sibling goes, "No, I'm not."

And the sibling says, "We're twins."

The other kid goes, "And you're adopted... oh."

Hey, What do you want? We broke up like 5 days ago, leave me alone. Ok, first wanna do some things? What kind of things? Illegal things. Like what? Knock you off and hide your body. 🤡🤡🗡

Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?

I wake up and I find myself on the floor.

Guy #1 is being picked up by Guy #2 from the hospital.

Guy #1: Oh man, I just got my prostate checked. It's not looking good.

Guy #2: Why, what is it?

Guy #1: Turns out, I have prostate cancer.

Guy #2: Oh man that sucks...

Guy #1: Yeah, it's a real pain in the ass!

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony. He opened up a pasta shop and made some macaroni.

You know, people always tell you to stand up for yourself. Why didn't anyone tell the World Trade Center that? 🤔

One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.

How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?

Adam and Eve were sitting on the beach one day, and Eve says to Adam, "Let's go for a swim." Adam replies, "I'm not in the mood."

She says, "Okay, I will go by myself." She puts her toes in the water and splashes around and says, "The water is beautiful, come in!" Adam replies, "Na, still not in the mood."

Eve wades into the water until she gets to her waist. Adam jumps up and yells at Eve standing waist deep and says, "Oh no, now all the fish are gonna smell like that!"

(amazing pick up line) Yoo, what if we got matching tattoos? You get two towers and I get a plane, because I crashed right into your life!