Ups jokes

What do you call a grown-up orphan? Homeless.

Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.

Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.

I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...

My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"

My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}

Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.

Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"

Why was Sally at the hospital after her parents left? Because they put her up for adoption.

A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.

Me: Calls 9-1-1.

Operator: 9/11, what’s your emergency?

Me: *hangs up*

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.

I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: "Why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?"

Little Johnny's dad was driving him to school when they came up on a couple in a convertible. It was apparent that they were arguing. You could then see the woman pull out a knife. Seconds later, his dad saw a penis land in the windshield. Worried little Johnny will see it, he quickly turned on the wipers and brushed it off.

"What was that, Dad?" asked lil Johnny. "Oh, just a bug," said his father. With a confused look on lil Johnny's face, he then says, "That bug sure had a big dick, didn't he?"

Did you hear about the two-car pile-up in Mexico? Yeah like 200 Mexicans died.

I was 11 or 12 at the time.

Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

Why did the orphan sleep outside? ... Because he gets to wake up to Mother Nature.

Why is a sick person and California similar? They tend to burn up.

Get up, you lazybones!