Ups jokes

Hairline is so far up, Patrick Mahomes can't even sell to a wide receiver.

Kid: Hey, Mum, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Mum: Shut up, son, you’ll wake your father!

Your hairline's so far up, they call it a skyline!

Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.

I mean, he just blew up overnight!

When my friend fell, I didn't crack up, but the sidewalk did.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

A Roman went to the bar and he held up two fingers and said, "Can I have five drinks, please?"

Yo mama is so ugly that Rick Astley gave her up.

What hurts the most? 😹

A. Breaking up before chewing.

B. Breaking up after chewing.

What is an old lady's favorite exercise?

Trying to get up from the soft couch.

Chuck Norris came up with the name for Walker, Texas Ranger in sheer brilliance. You can arrange each letter for the name of the show to display the true name being "Wrangler Karate Sex!"

No matter how hard I try, I will never be a stand-up comedian.

Bro has to get a fringe to cover up the big, increasing hairline.

There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.

When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.

The doctor said, "You're all right now."

An orphan walked up to St. June's Family Hospital.

Doctor: "Sorry kid, you can't be in here."

I'm the type to blow up half of my house to kill a spider... and still miss.

Why can't two eggs tell jokes?

Because they will crack each other up!

Someone prank calls a general. The general hangs up and goes, "Kids these days have no respect for their elders. That's why I send them all to die."

I hate "the woke" so much, I got mad when my mom said I "woke" up late for school.

I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"