Ups jokes
Kid: Hey, Mum, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Mum: Shut up, son, you’ll wake your father!
Your hairline's so far up, they call it a skyline!
Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.
I mean, he just blew up overnight!
When my friend fell, I didn't crack up, but the sidewalk did.
Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
Because he got fired!
Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.
So, one day Kylin Banks was playing football. Then he saw Violet. After he saw her, he got bricked up. Then he ran after her and rubbed his pickle all over her. She was so happy.
When creating the world, Jesus made the water salty. A person comes up to the water, drinks it, and says: "Why are you so salty?"
My science teacher was talking about natural selection.
At one point, she asked me to name the first person to theorize about it. I said, "Eric Harris." It was on his shirt.
If you don't get the joke, look up "Eric Harris natural selection."
Are you the Twin Towers? Cause I'd love to take you out. 🤭
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there's a knock at the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, "What was that all about?"
One day I went to talk to my friend.
"Hi John!" I said.
No response.
"Oh, yeah."
I went to pick up the remote and clicked the unmute button.
"Hope that helps!"
I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.
A handicapped person tells a good joke, but he can't be a stand up comedian.
Nostalgia hits you like a train.
It's so hard, you can even wake up.
My forehead blew up because I saw yours at the forehead shop!
You heard of the Pixar movie "Up," but have you heard of "Down, Down," the 9/11 terrorist attack?
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Why was Elon Musk unable to land a job as a television host at NBC?
His own car cannot catch up with Jay Leno's Corvette!
How do you communicate to the dead?
Jump up and down on the ground and speak in Morse code!