Ups jokes
A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.
Why can't you make jokes about catholic priests?
Because they blow up in your face.
Are you a race car?
Cuz I’m tryna fuck.
Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.
Bully: Shut up, motherfucker!
Me: Well, stop talking to me and I won't have to keep fucking your mother.
Your mom is so dumb that somebody told her, "Go get a life," so she went to play Super Mario and got a 1-up.
What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?
They both light up the room.
This stuff is messed up, you people.
Me: Looks like a girl, sure as h3ll I don't sound like one.
Michael Jackson: Looks like a boy, sure as h3ll don't sound like one.
That [is] what we have i[n] commen, but if you mix up my gender I won't give a F about it. Michael Jackson not so much : )
What does Bugs Bunny say when he has a boner?
"What's up, cock?"
An orphan walked up to a baseball field, but a security guard said he couldn't come in because it was a home game.
Yo mama is so ugly that Rick Astley gave her up.
How do you know if a Black woman is pregnant?
Stick a chicken wing up there.
My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.
Why was the Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it wanted to look up a 10 year old girl’s skirt.
What time do dogs wake up? At school is the time dogs wake up.
Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
Friend: You have to be able to stand up.
What is 6 inches tall when bricked up and is loved by women?
A strong man’s biceps.