Ups jokes
Stan says shut the f**k up or sit your ass down on that b***h chair!
What animal jumps the highest?
An emo kid, some of them are still up there.
"Stand up for yourself! Oh, come on, walk it off."
One day I went to talk to my friend.
"Hi John!" I said.
No response.
"Oh, yeah."
I went to pick up the remote and clicked the unmute button.
"Hope that helps!"
You heard of the Pixar movie "Up," but have you heard of "Down, Down," the 9/11 terrorist attack?
Do you want to hear a cold joke?
Can't. It warmed up.
It must be tiring to put makeup on two faces.
What's the best part about beating up an orphan?
They can't tell their parents.
Who do you call to clean up foul language?
A cuss-todian!
The thing about animals is every time you pick one up, you have to put it down.
How do you communicate to the dead?
Jump up and down on the ground and speak in Morse code!
So a kid was hanging out with his mom and this man comes up to him and said, "Hi, I'm your new dad." The kid did not think about it, and then he did and said, "But I already have a dad." The mom said, "That was not your real dad."
Do you know the teacher that went up in space? She had blew eyes. One blew this way and one blew that way.
A train walks into a bar. It says to the barkeeper, "I'll have a gallon of ale."
"A gallon?" the barkeeper asks.
"Yes," replies the train, "I always end up chugging it."
My dad seen RuPaul's Drag Race?
Asked when will they do up the cars!
Why would you shoot up an innocent school... if your aimbot's dead and you can't commit headshots only?
Yo mama so stupid, she went to Dr. Pepper for a check up.
I love Steven Hawking's stand-up comedy!
I love Steven Hawking’s stand-up comedy!
My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. 😢😢😢