Ups jokes

I saw my midget neighbor at a bus stop.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"Bugger off!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little man," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

Best pick up line EVER.

There is an app on your phone called ringer. Go into it. There is a 12 to 15 digit number. Enter that into my phone, my dick will get 12 to 15 inches longer.

What do you call a cow that fell up the stairs?

Ground beef.

Mommy, mommy! Are we bank robbers?

Shut up and pass me the note.

"Mommy, mommy! Are we janitors?"

"Shut up and pass me the mop."

Mommy, mommy! Do we own a sweatshop?

Shut up and keep sewing!

Mommy, mommy! Are we liars?

"Shut up and cross your fingers when you say that."

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Knock knock.

WHO'S THERE?

*Starts putting up hand signs.*

Why is he called Stephen Hawking?

Because he is always trying to hawk up phlegm to clear his throat.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I decided to take her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

I went to the store because I had to go to school to run up downstairs because my phone started calling me because I was playing Mario Kart on my kitchen sink's baby grandma, like if you cry every time.

Speak to your dad before I put my hand up your ass!

Q: My scale had my phone number on it. Wandering why, I looked up only to see an elephant in my face...

Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.

So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...

Yo forehead so angled, your mom could walk up.

Gwen, I thought you would be with me if Prince broke up with you... :((((((

"Gwen don't want break up! Please talk to me!"

Wanna hook up at Mount Cook?

Why was the belt arrested? Because it held up pants.

The thing about animals is every time you pick one up, you have to put it down.