Ups jokes
Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?
A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.
Q: Why don't orphans turn up to parents evening?
A: Because they don't have any parents.
I didn't put my kids up for adoption.
My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.
Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the inn keeper three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"
When creating the world, Jesus made the water salty. A person comes up to the water, drinks it, and says: "Why are you so salty?"
My science teacher was talking about natural selection.
At one point, she asked me to name the first person to theorize about it. I said, "Eric Harris." It was on his shirt.
If you don't get the joke, look up "Eric Harris natural selection."
Your mum's vagina is so ravenous, that last night we both ended up on the living room floor, with her on top. She was eating my creamy young face off.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age. You have probably heard this joke before.
My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.
What did the rapper say to his shoes?
"You better lace up!"
How do you know if a rapper is lying?
His rhymes don't add up.
Why did the rapper take up gardening?
Because they wanted to GROW their FLOW.
Why was the rapper always in shape?
Because he dropped so many BARS, he had to stay fit to pick them up!
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
What's the difference between a child and a cancer diagnosis? At least the cancer grows up and leaves eventually.
Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.
The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.
Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.
On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.
This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!
Hello, are you there?
Yes, who are you?
My name is Watt.
What’s your name?
Watt’s my name.
Yes, what is your name?
My name is John Watt.
John What?
Yes, are you Jones?
No, I’m Knott.
Will you tell me your name?
Will Knott.
Why not?
My name is Knott.
Not what?
Not Watt, Knott!
*hangs up*
What do you call a Titan who can't swim?
Titanic!
Imagine the Titanic with a lisp. It would be unthinkable. My version is imagine the Titanic with a lisp, it would be unsinkable.
What did the front half of the Titanic say to the other half when it hit the iceberg? I'm breaking up with you.
Little Timmy is hanging out with Rapunzel, and he mentions Hugo and a few other characters from Varian And The Seven Kingdoms, and she responds with, “Who the frick are you talking about? Since I don’t know them, I got a surprise for you!” She wraps him up in Christmas wrapping paper labeled "For Eugene."