Ups jokes
My crush's best friend came up to me and called me my crush's dog 🐕, so then I say, "Wow, you're an ass for calling me a bitch." He then looks at me wide-eyed, and I just walk away.
Why do terrorists like the Twin Towers?
It's the next thing they blow up.
I saw my midget neighbor at a bus stop.
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.
"Bugger off!" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little man," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
Best pick up line EVER.
There is an app on your phone called ringer. Go into it. There is a 12 to 15 digit number. Enter that into my phone, my dick will get 12 to 15 inches longer.
"Mommy, mommy! Are we janitors?"
"Shut up and pass me the mop."
Mommy, mommy! Do we own a sweatshop?
Shut up and keep sewing!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
WHO'S THERE?
*Starts putting up hand signs.*
Me people call me emo.
Older cousin: Why?
Because I always have my hood up and wear black cloths and wear black cross earrings.
My dad seen RuPaul's Drag Race?
Asked when will they do up the cars!
I love Steven Hawking’s stand-up comedy!
My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. 😢😢😢
A project where people get lined up to be changed.
What do you call a cow that fell up the stairs?
Ground beef.
Mommy, mommy! Are we bank robbers?
Shut up and pass me the note.
Mommy, mommy! Are we liars?
"Shut up and cross your fingers when you say that."
Why is he called Stephen Hawking?
Because he is always trying to hawk up phlegm to clear his throat.
I love Steven Hawking's stand-up comedy!
An African man was walking in New York when he saw a sign that said, "Watch out for children."
He started laughing hysterically, then a white man asked him, "Why are you laughing?"
He said, "In Africa, they would never put up a sign like that."
Speak to your dad before I put my hand up your ass!
I went to the store because I had to go to school to run up downstairs because my phone started calling me because I was playing Mario Kart on my kitchen sink's baby grandma, like if you cry every time.