Ups jokes

What's the worst part about getting old?

Going to pull up the wrinkles in your socks, just to find out you're not wearing socks!

A sibling went up to their other sibling and said, "Dad said you're adopted."

The other sibling said, "You are, too."

Then the first sibling goes, "No, I'm not."

And the sibling says, "We're twins."

The other kid goes, "And you're adopted... oh."

Just got a new internet connected toaster. It wouldn't work until I enabled pop-ups!

Why does the paper follow up with wine because it was junk? Do wrong, so wrong that you don’t even exist because nobody even eats it. Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Haha ha ha! Haha ha haha ha ha! Ha hah hah hah ha!

How do you communicate to the dead?

Jump up and down on the ground and speak in Morse code!

Friend: What goes up but not down?

You: Your age.

I was trying to make a joke about fighting, but I couldn't come up with a good punchline.

Spy: Hahaha.

Me: What?

Spy: Time to pick up your mother.

Me: Oh no....

Here's a good tree joke to spruce up your day!

What's up with airline food?

My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.

I searched up hornets and then said that it will leave a sting.

What happened to Stephen Hawking after he reached Heaven?

Nothing yet. He is still struggling to get up the stairway to Heaven.

Q: Why don't orphans turn up to parents evening?

A: Because they don't have any parents.

I didn't put my kids up for adoption.

An orphan walked up to St. June's Family Hospital.

Doctor: "Sorry kid, you can't be in here."

I'm the type to blow up half of my house to kill a spider... and still miss.

Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.

The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.

Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.

On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.

This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!

Hello, are you there?

Yes, who are you?

My name is Watt.

What’s your name?

Watt’s my name.

Yes, what is your name?

My name is John Watt.

John What?

Yes, are you Jones?

No, I’m Knott.

Will you tell me your name?

Will Knott.

Why not?

My name is Knott.

Not what?

Not Watt, Knott!

*hangs up*

What do you call a Titan who can't swim?

Titanic!

Imagine the Titanic with a lisp. It would be unthinkable. My version is imagine the Titanic with a lisp, it would be unsinkable.

What did the front half of the Titanic say to the other half when it hit the iceberg? I'm breaking up with you.