Ups jokes

Q: My scale had my phone number on it. Wandering why, I looked up only to see an elephant in my face...

Why was the belt arrested? Because it held up pants.

"Gwen don't want break up! Please talk to me!"

Why does the paper follow up with wine because it was junk? Do wrong, so wrong that you don’t even exist because nobody even eats it. Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Haha ha ha! Haha ha haha ha ha! Ha hah hah hah ha!

Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.

So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...

Yo forehead so angled, your mom could walk up.

Wanna hook up at Mount Cook?

What's up with airline food?

Friend: What goes up but not down?

You: Your age.

My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.

Q: Why don't orphans turn up to parents evening?

A: Because they don't have any parents.

I didn't put my kids up for adoption.

What's the worst part about getting old?

Going to pull up the wrinkles in your socks, just to find out you're not wearing socks!

A sibling went up to their other sibling and said, "Dad said you're adopted."

The other sibling said, "You are, too."

Then the first sibling goes, "No, I'm not."

And the sibling says, "We're twins."

The other kid goes, "And you're adopted... oh."

I was trying to make a joke about fighting, but I couldn't come up with a good punchline.

Here's a good tree joke to spruce up your day!

I searched up hornets and then said that it will leave a sting.

Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?

A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

Spy: Hahaha.

Me: What?

Spy: Time to pick up your mother.

Me: Oh no....