Ups jokes

SHUT UP EVERYBODY!

One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?

I didn't put my kids up for adoption.

Suicide isn't funny, but you can spice it up by wearing a fun hat.

Instead of Obama, it was supposed to be Osama. Pretending I got their names mixed up.

Me after Taco Bell, "I’m about to blow this place up like September 11."

Teacher: *calls you up to the board*. You: Ok. *Gets intense boner* *has to fart really bad* You: F***!!!!!!!

Why is he called Stephen Hawking?

Because he is always trying to hawk up phlegm to clear his throat.

Why are white teenagers the best for the army? They are good at shooting things up.

I saw a little kid cry. I went up to him and asked where his parents were. Jeez, I love working at the orphanage!

I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

Hello worstjokesever.com, I am not typing but instead using a microphone to speech, ding me a period.

I don’t see what’s coming up, but I don’t know why I am sending, so it will be random or funny or just stupid, LOL. So like and subscribe and...

I can't stand up when I laugh hard; neither can they.

I always enjoy family reunions.

It's always a good time meeting up with my exes.

A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.

After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.

After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

Why couldn't Professor Xavier fight Magneto? Because he couldn't stand up for himself.

I don't beat up midgets.

That would be punching down.

Hahaha. These eggs surely crack me up!