Travel jokes
My wife told me, "Don't buy 1 gun while on your trip," so I decided to buy 2 guns instead.
Did you hear about the tourist that came to New York? Good, because they were a terrorist... When they were asked why they were traveling, they just mispronounced it.
Donald Trump travels back in time to talk to his 10-year-old self.
When he sees himself, he says, "Do you see me? I am you, but almost 70 years older."
His 10-year-old self asks him, "Am I going to be famous?"
Trump replies, "Oh yeah, I became president of the United States. Not once. Twice!"
10-year-old Donald was shocked. But he became even more shocked when he heard the next sentence from his current self: "And now take off your pants!"
What is the difference between a tree and walking home from school?
If you’re American when you go in the bathroom...
... and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?
European.
Why can't you run through a campground?
Because it's "past tents!"
One day, I'm going to Malta to a big hotel. In the morning, I go down to eat breakfast. I tell the waitress I want two pieces of toast. She brings me only one piece. I tell her I want a piece. She says, "Go to the toilet." I say, "You don't understand. I want a piece on my plate." She says, "You better not piss on your plate, you son of a bitch." I don't even know the lady, and she calls me a son of a bitch.
I don't need this shit!!
Later, I go to eat at the big restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife, but no fork. I tell her I wanted a fork. She tells me everyone wanna fuck. I say, "You don't understand, I want a fork on my table." She says, "You better not fuck on the table, you son of a bitch." I don't even know the lady, and she calls me a son of a bitch.
I don't need this shit!
So, I go back to my room in a hotel, and there are no sheets on the bed. I call the manager and tell him I want a sheet. He tells me, go to the toilet. I say, "You don't understand, I want a sheet on my bed." He says, "You better not shit on my bed, you son of a bitch."
I go to the checkout, and the man at the desk says, 'Peace on you.' I say, 'Piss on you too, you son of a bitch. I'm going back to Italia. Arrivederci!'
I don't need this shit!
Moral of the story, don't go to Australia with a Korean accent.
Why can't orphans go on a field trip?
They need their parents' permission. 😆😆😆😆😆😆
How did Sally get a free trip to Hawaii? She washed up on shore.
A man says, "I'm flying!" He realizes he was pushed out of a plane.
What do you call an Indian plane that comes back?
A Boomerang.
What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?
•Terminal
My history teacher asked my class what time they would go back to just to see what happened.
I said I'd go back to Hitler's childhood to tell him the lies that he becomes the ruler of the world by starting the Nazis, and leave his death out of the discussion.
My friend misspelled "Mexico" and got here.
He sucked his sister's poop hole.
Why did the astronauts take a box of cereal and a cow with them? In case they bypassed the Milky Way!
The best way to enjoy Port Arthur is to shoot through--a quote by hilarious comedian Isaac Butterfield.
If you enter the bathroom as an American and leave the bathroom as an American, what are you in the bathroom?
A European.
Time flies by, doesn’t it?
But the plane in 9/11 didn’t.
All aboard the Magic School Bus! We are going to New York. The second tower has been hit.
China is a place. I once went to Buckingham Palace.