Worst Jokes Ever
What makes sad people jump? Bridges.
What’s the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry peeling onions!
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.
A wild Iceberg appears! Titanic uses ram! It is not very effective. (Titanic sinks.)
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
What joke do you tell an orphan?
Knock knock...
Who's there?
Not your parents.
I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.
What do you call a sophisticated American?
A Canadian.
On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"
I'm dying to live forever!
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?
Ohhh, an owner.
My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.
I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.
Here’s a trick I learned to do on the calculator.
Sally had 69 boobs (69) which was too too too many (69222), so she went to the doctor on 51st street (6922251), and he said to take a certain pill 8 times a day (6922251 times 8), which left her (flip your calculator over)
Boobless.
I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.
What's Thanos' favorite game?
Half-life.
What do you call a German lesbian?
A krautmuncher.
I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.
I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.