Worst Jokes Ever
What's white and bloody?
Two doves in a trash compactor. Talk about a failed marriage.
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? -- Because the cow has the udder.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in?"
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth-theist.
What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?
One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.
So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.
When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.
You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?
Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.
[being buried alive]
Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?
Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?
Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...
Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
Who says Rihanna isn't charitable?
I mean, she found Johnny Depp for her fashion show by scouting for people living in tents down in Skid Row.
Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.
I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.
I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.
"Are you getting the knife?"
Lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place, but Chuck Norris does.
Jesus created the T-pose first.
So I went to the doctor's and the doctor said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."
So I said, "Aquarius."
And the doctor said, "Nah mate, you've got cancer."
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”
In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?
They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.