Worst Jokes Ever

Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

There's a kid named Little Johnny who would always cuss. Well, one day, he was sitting in class and the teacher said, "Let's play a game." So the game was she calls out a letter and someone raises her hand and tells her a word that begins with that letter. The teacher says "A". Little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher thinks to herself, "Well, he might say something like a**." So the teacher calls on Sally. Sally says "apple". The teacher says "B". Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher thought, "No, he might say something like b!tch." So the teacher goes all the way to R. The teacher says "R". Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Me, me, please, I really know one." Then the teacher thinks to herself, "Well, there's no cuss word that starts with R," so she said, "Okay, Johnny, give me a word that starts with R." Little Johnny says, "A rat!" and the teacher, very pleased, says, "Very good, Johnny. What type of rat?" Little Johnny says, "A big gosh damn mother freaker."

Sorry, I had to edit some word, but y'all know what I meant.

What kind of bees make milk?

BooBees.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

what's the difference between hitler and you?

one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.

What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap? "Just beat it, just beat it."

Allan: What are you doing Saturday night? Museum girl: Committing suicide. Allan: What about Friday night?

What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?

•Terminal

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

Why did the Chinese woman hang up? Because she Wang the Wong number.

What has 50 legs but can't walk?

25 disabled children.

Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Insomnia.

You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.