Worst Jokes Ever
So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."
Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"
What first went through Sally's mind when the Nazis came? - A bullet.
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.
What do you call an autistic kid who just saw Transformers? Autistimus Prime.
You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.
I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.
I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.
What do you call a porn star that always goes back for more?
Craven Morehead.
What are the differences between Santa and Joe Biden?
The kids actually want to sit on Santa’s lap.
What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.
I called a suicidal hotline in Iraq and they asked me if I could drive a truck.
A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, “No, you won’t bring it back.”
A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
"You the bomb!" No, "you the bomb!" A compliment in America, an argument in Afghanistan.
What makes sad people jump? A bridge.
Someone who was working in the tower must've put their phone on plane mode.
Why are priests called father? Because it's too sus to call them daddy!