Worst Jokes Ever
When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.
A vampire goes to the bakery.
Vampire: "One bun, please."
Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"
Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."
Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
The dick said to the ass, "this place is a shit hole."
The ass replied, "Yes, but you still keep coming."
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."
"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.
After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.
You need to be a complete dick.
Why do Black people dip their Oreos in water?
Because daddy never came back home with the milk.
Why do people in Alabama like eating sandwiches? They like things in bread.
Do trees shit?
Well, how else would we get #2 pencils?
All the Muslims are pissed off because 24 hours after Chuck Norris went to heaven there were no more virgins left.
A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy. The guy takes off his shirt, she says, "Oh, what chest!" "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby," he replies. Then he takes off his pants, she says, "Oh, what legs!" He says, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby." After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running. He catches her and says, "Why were you running?" She said, "I didn't wanna be in there once I've seen how small the fuse was."
Why are orphans so bad at poker?
They don’t know what a full house is!
Want to hear a joke about prostitution? Never mind, it's whoreable.
What do you call a white guy with a 10 inch cock?
Asleep. Because that motherfucker's dreaming.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will let it go.
My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
What is the one kind of work orphans don’t know? Homework.