Worst Jokes Ever
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
Why do orphans like Batman? They are 50% like him.
My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.
Why are people in Japan always skinny?
Because last time there was a "Fat Man", a whole city disappeared.
What happened when the emo went through the self-checkout?
Two beeps went off.
Your hairline's so far back that five hour energy became a five day depression.
What's the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber.
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.
The dick said to the ass, "this place is a shit hole."
The ass replied, "Yes, but you still keep coming."
A vampire goes to the bakery.
Vampire: "One bun, please."
Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"
Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."
Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
All the Muslims are pissed off because 24 hours after Chuck Norris went to heaven there were no more virgins left.
Why do people in Alabama like eating sandwiches? They like things in bread.
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."
"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.
After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Do trees shit?
Well, how else would we get #2 pencils?
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. My friend's already on stage 4.
Why do Black people dip their Oreos in water?
Because daddy never came back home with the milk.