When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.
A vampire goes to the bakery.
Vampire: "One bun, please."
Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"
Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."
My uncle and I have somewhat of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Do trees shit?
Well, how else would we get #2 pencils?
Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." - Jack Sparrow
A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy. The guy takes off his shirt, she says, "Oh, what chest!" "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby," he replies. Then he takes off his pants, she says, "Oh, what legs!" He says, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby." After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running. He catches her and says, "Why were you running?" She said, "I didn't wanna be in there once I've seen how small the fuse was."
Why doesn’t Pakistan have any football teams?
Every corner they get, they open a shop on it!
Why are orphans so bad at poker?
They don’t know what a full house is!
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."
"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.
After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."
Why do people in Alabama like eating sandwiches? They like things in bread.
What's the difference between Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana?
Freddie lived long enough to be a Queen.
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
What do you call a white guy with a 10 inch cock?
Asleep. Because that motherfucker's dreaming.
What is the one kind of work orphans don’t know? Homework.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.
What do sex and food have in common?
My sister makes it better than my cousin.
I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.
It was a touching story.
