Worst Jokes Ever
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
"Go big or go home," that's what some people say.
"Go loud and proud," that's what other people say.
"Go out with a big, loud bang!" that's what I say.
To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you are happy now.
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying, "ten babies in one trashcan." Morbid humor would be saying, "one baby in ten trashcans."
There is an upside to being an orphan. Every bag of chips is family size.
What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?
My heartbeat.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.
What do strippers and peanut butter have in common? They both spread for bread.
I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.
So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.
That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.
A suicide bomber's biggest fear is dying alone.
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
Why do orphans like Batman? They are 50% like him.
My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.
Why are people in Japan always skinny?
Because last time there was a "Fat Man", a whole city disappeared.
What happened when the emo went through the self-checkout?
Two beeps went off.
Your hairline's so far back that five hour energy became a five day depression.
What's the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber.
When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.
A vampire goes to the bakery.
Vampire: "One bun, please."
Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"
Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."