Worst Jokes Ever
Next time at Walmart, I'm going to scan my wrist. They are basically barcodes.
Head teacher talking about recent vandalism during school assembly:
"And to those of you who wrote Mr. Smith's telephone number on the door of the girl's toilets, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a 7 and not a 4."
me: I'm going to steal your heart.
her: omg that's so romantic!!
me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?
A: A knife has a point.
What is the most musical part of a chicken?
The drumstick.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonalds’."
I popped some fireworks and told my Vietnamese grandfather that World War 3 started.
I have 5 fingers and the middle one is for you
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
What do you call a group of emos?
Limited Edition.
A leaf and a depressed kid fall from a building. Which hits the ground first?
The leaf, the rope stops the depressed kid.
roses are red, unlike the rest, I'm the one who has your IP address.
Why does Spiderman only have 11 months in his calendar?
Because he lost May!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away...
Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.... 🥵🤣
Why did the Polish urologist cut his cock off with a knife?
To take care of his erectile dysfunction.
Man 1: Why don’t we just put all the debt in the world on one man, then kill him?
Man 2: We tried that once. It started a cult.
If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion. They would call it crucifact.
What do you say before you jump off a building?
Parkour!
What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?
An RCXD (remote control explosive).