Worst Jokes Ever
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.” He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?
They both light up the room.
If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”
I have a stepladder. My real ladder left for milk and never came back.
What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?
They both have no way home!
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
Why are there a lot of whites in hockey?
It’s the only other job that involves beating something black other than being a cop.
I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
What do bees brush their hair with?
A honeycomb.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
In the morning, I become a cereal killer.
Your mom is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank, they had to turn the cameras off.
Do you know about the new movie Disney made just for cancer kids? It's called Finding Kemo.
1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.
But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.
Welcome onboard Sexist Airlines. Everyone, please fasten your seatbelts now as we are switching to a female pilot.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he died.
A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.
The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.
That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."