Worst Jokes Ever
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.
But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.
Welcome onboard Sexist Airlines. Everyone, please fasten your seatbelts now as we are switching to a female pilot.
A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.
The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.
That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."
So, I was going out the door and I see my dwarf neighbor at the bus stop. I ask if he needs a lift. He replies with "fu.. off." So, I zip up my backpack and keep going to work.
Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."
What's the only part of a vegetable you cannot eat?
Wheelchair.
Depression hits harder than my dad.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.
What's the worst thing to star in?
An amber alert.
Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.
Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Isn't Gwen the most thoughtful person?
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman? Batman returns.
What did the woman on the beach say to Michael Jackson? Hey, get out of my sun!
Yo mama so ugly, she went to the bathroom and scared the sh*t out of the toilet.
Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."
I feel bad for the people who died in 2001. Those poor terrorists died doing their job.
The number 13? Not on my watch!
What's the difference between a Mexican and a frog?
One jumps in ponds, the other leaps over the border. :)
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?
Dark humor is 10 babies in a trash can. Morbid humor is 1 baby in 10 trash cans.