Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."
Worst Jokes Ever
Why don’t orphans play baseball?
Because they don’t know where home is.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Chicken.
What do you call the worst joke ever?
Well, according to my mom, I am.
"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
What's the difference between yo mama and a fat ugly pig? - I never fucked that fat ugly pig...
I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.
He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.
Why don't women parachute naked?
That annoying whistling sound on the way down.
The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.
After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.
It's in my basement.
What do you call a fat midget?
Jigglypuff.
A man hit a woman with his car, who is wrong?
The man, because you can’t drive into the kitchen.
What do you call a Portuguese who commits a crime in Las Vegas?
Consensual Rapper 7.
Which is Ronaldo's favorite son, Matteo or Cristiano Junior?
Neither. His favorite is San Marino, perfect for stat-padding with tap-ins and penalties!
What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?
I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!
Roses are red. Watches are gold. Get on your knees and do what you're told.
What do you call a movie at Bill Cosby’s house?
Netflix and pill.
Miscarriage jokes aren't funny, just cut it out.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.