Worst Jokes Ever

Forehead is so big that you wear a bed sheet for a bandana.

A professor was talking about the American dream. Then, he asked the German exchange student if there was a German dream, to which the student replies, "We did, but no one liked it."

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)

One day, a priest and a nun went to play golf together.

In the first shot, the priest missed his shot and said, "Fuck, I missed it!"

The nun replied, "Hey, you should not curse."

In the second shot, the priest missed his shot again and said, "Fuck, I missed again!"

The nun replied, "Hey, stop swearing, or else God will punish you."

In the next shot, the priest missed once again. He shouted, "Fuck this, this game is bullshit!"

The nun replied, "Enough! God is definitely going to punish you anytime now."

Suddenly, a thunderbolt struck the nun and killed her. The clouds separated from the sky, and there was a voice in the sky saying, "Oh, fuck, I missed!"

Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number."

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp!

My blind friend is so annoying, he kept bumping into things even though I repeatedly told him to look where he was going.

What kind of dreams do hotels have?

Suite dreams.

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...

Why are there a lot of whites in hockey?

It’s the only other job that involves beating something black other than being a cop.

I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.” He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?

They both light up the room.

If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”

I have a stepladder. My real ladder left for milk and never came back.

What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?

They both have no way home!

Why do horses eat with their mouth open?

Because they have bad stable manners.

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.