Worst Jokes Ever
What has 4 wheels, 2 legs, and loves his shoulder?
Stephen Hawking.
Raaj went up to his mom and said, "I bet you 10 dollars I can disappear." Then he turned off the lights.
Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."
Me: "Why did you?"
Mom: "I was very drunk..."
Explains a lot...
What do 9-11 and a fighter have in common? They both have a one-two combo.
So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
me: I'm going to steal your heart.
her: omg that's so romantic!!
me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
Did you know cannibals ate KFC?
Kentucky Fried Children.
How do you punish a blind guy?
You leave a plunger in the toilet.
Roses are red. Violets are too. You better run, I’m following you!
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
Enough with the Nazi jokes.
They make me führeious!
If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.
I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.
Suicide is just self-defense. You're killing the person that tried to kill you.
Helen Keller deaf-initely faked it!
What is an Emo's favorite way to Cosplay?
Dress up as a piñata!
Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?
A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.
Joe Biden walks into the White House kitchen.
"Are those brownies I smell?" he asks.
"Indeed, they are," he was told.
"Gee," he says, "they smell nothing like Girl Scouts!"
My grandfather died in 9/11.
He was a great pilot.