Worst Jokes Ever
My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"
Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."
They say people are 75% water.
But I'm 100% useless.
Why can orphans travel around so much? They never get homesick.
How to fall down stairs.
Step 1. Step 2. Step 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Life's too short to want it.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie talkie? Stephen can't walkie and Stephen can't talkie.
The twin towers were basically Angry Birds but in real life.
What's a depressed kid's favorite holiday?.... Christmas because everything is hanging.
My memes are ironic, but my depression is chronic.
Me: Have you ever went sky diving?
Friend: No.
Me: Well don't, it sucks.
Friend: Why?
Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.
Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?
He kept cutting in line.
*School shooting happens* Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk* American student: "First time?"
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.
As siblings, we always joke about being adopted. It stops being funny when you're playing in your parents' room and find both of your adoption papers.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.
Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.
Except my depression.
What do you call a pregnant slave? Buy one get one free.
best friend makes 9/11 joke.
you: "hey, my dad was inside the tower."
best friend: "I'm sorry."
you: "I always knew he was a great pilot."