Worst Jokes Ever

What has 4 wheels, 2 legs, and loves his shoulder?

Stephen Hawking.

Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."

Me: "Why did you?"

Mom: "I was very drunk..."

Explains a lot...

Why don't blind people skydive?

Because it scares their dogs too much!

So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say "forgive and forget". They are really obedient.

Roses are red, violets are blue. Your mom isn't here because she doesn't love you.

The depressed kid getting bullied.

The bully: "You are useless."

The depressed kid: "I know."

What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.

How do you punish a blind guy?

You leave a plunger in the toilet.

Roses are red. Violets are too. You better run, I’m following you!

My grandfather died in 9/11.

He was a great pilot.

Abortion clinics are kind of like NAZI gas chambers. Less people come out than go in.

I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.

If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.

Helen Keller deaf-initely faked it!

I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?

What is an Emo's favorite way to Cosplay?

Dress up as a piñata!

Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?

A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.

Racecar backwards is racecar, but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.

Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.