Worst Jokes Ever

My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.

Except my depression.

best friend makes 9/11 joke.

you: "hey, my dad was inside the tower."

best friend: "I'm sorry."

you: "I always knew he was a great pilot."

The judge asked me, "How does 5 to 10 years sound?"

I said, "Sexy."

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie talkie? He can’t walkie or talkie.

A man went to the library and asked for a book about suicide. The librarian said, "Go away, you won’t bring it back."

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

Yo mama's so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.

Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"

Genie: "Wish granted!"

When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

Why is Santa always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why can't orphans do homework? They don't have a home to do it at.

Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?

Three nuns are talking, and the first nun says, "You would never believe what I discovered." Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. "I found a phone in the priest's room," said the first nun. "Oh, that's nothing," said the second one. "I found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one. "What did you do with them?" said the first nun. Pridefully, the second nun responds with, "I poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, "Oh sh*t...."

What do you call a blind dinosaur? Do-you-think-he-saurus.

Father: "I don't trust you. You poured your seed in my daughter's belly."

Son: "But Paah, you can't fire me."

Father: "You're lucky you're my brother too, or I'd kill you."

Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."

Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."

Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."

Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."

Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*

What is an orphan's family portrait called?

A self-portrait.

My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.