Worst Jokes Ever

I saw a black man riding a brand new bike, so I went home to check my garage. It’s all good because I still saw mine still chained to the floor begging for food.

What's a tower's favorite bagel? I don't know, but it ain't plain.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

9/11.

9/11 who?

[pause] You said you’d never forget.

What do you call a group of emo people?

"The Suicide Squad."

Why did the blonde stare at the Ford?

Because it said, "Focus."

I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.

Like it’s my next meal.

The Earth was flat until yo mama buried herself.

Bomb.

Are you sure your father isn't a thief?

Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

How are gay people like mice?

They both hate pussies.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

A note for my old English Teacher:

Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...

And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!

I met a girl that was 6'5" and she fell on 9/11 and broke her arm. She really said "oh snap" like a twin tower.

What do you call intelligent people in America?

Tourists.

Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.

Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:

1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."

A suicidal boy went up to a tree and said "hi".

The tree never responded; it left him hanging.

I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.

I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.