Worst Jokes Ever
Why did the rapper carry an UMBRELLA?
Because he heard there was a 50% chance of "Lil Wayne."
McDonald's worker be like, "Hello, would you like a Mc-Dick?" (You looked down) You: "Uhh, where's my dick?"
What’s black and white and red all over?
A crushed nun!
What’s that black stuff between an elephants toes?
Slow natives.
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
What do you call it when Panera Bread goes to space?
Good question.
What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?
Panera Behead.
Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.
Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏
Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
What do rocks and girls have in common?
The flat ones get skipped.
What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?
Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.
What is Hitler's least favorite fish?
Jewfish.
If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It's always 90 degrees there.
Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.
Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?
Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.
Man: Shit!
Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.
An ugly, poor teenage girl found a genie lamp in her backyard. The genie said, "I will grant you 3 wishes, but under 1 condition."
"What is it?" she asked.
"After I grant your final wish, you have to have sex with me," the genie replied.
"Okay, for my 1st wish, I wish to be the prettiest girl at my school," the genie snapped his fingers and made her pretty.
"For my 2nd wish, I wish for my family to be rich," the genie snapped his fingers and told her her family is now the richest in town.
"And your final wish?" the genie asked.
"I wish I had a sabertoothed vagina."
You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.
What does the word circumcise mean?
Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.
They say I have a silver tongue, I'll let you make it white.
We aren't ghosts, but I'll take you under the sheets.
Why did the rapper wear a watch to the studio?
He wanted to make TIMELESS TRACKS.
What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.