Tool jokes

When I see two lovers' names on a tree, I don’t find it cute or funny. I think, why would they be bringing a knife on a date?

A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"

Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."

"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"

What is the worst tool to play when playing the game “Icebreaker”?

The Titanic.

Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.

What's the difference between a pregnant girl and a light bulb?

... You can unscrew a light bulb, but you can't unscrew a pregnant girl.

What do you call a sharpened pencil? You call a sharpened pencil a sharpened pencil.

Why have there been so many deaths around the world?

Trees and ropes.

A telescope has two uses:

1. To look in space. 2. To see your hairline.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?

Because it’s pointless.

Your hairline's so far back, I use it as a ruler to measure things.

What is white, then red, and is very fast?

My chainsaw blade.

If you're cleaning a vacuum, aren't you the vacuum cleaner?

Balls maker.

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

Jackhammer McQueerson

How do you surprise a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

What is six inches, has nuts, and is hard?

A sinkers bar.

I will never forget my grandpa's last words: "You still holding the ladder, son?"

Q: What's the difference between a knife and a razor blade?

A: Depends on which wound bleeds faster.