Tool jokes
What did the pencil say to the sharpener? Please grind me!
Are you a builder, because you give me an erection.
You should wear binoculars when calculating. It helps divide.
How did the pornstar cut herself while using a drill?
She was too used to grabbing the tip.
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
So Fred accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.
John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.
"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it, they can sew it back on."
After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is," handing the ear to John.
"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back into the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"
When I see two lovers' names on a tree, I don’t find it cute or funny. I think, why would they be bringing a knife on a date?
What do Hitler's gas "shower" and guns have in common? They both kill someone.
What is the worst tool to play when playing the game “Icebreaker”?
The Titanic.
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
What's the difference between a pregnant girl and a light bulb?
... You can unscrew a light bulb, but you can't unscrew a pregnant girl.
What do you call a sharpened pencil? You call a sharpened pencil a sharpened pencil.
Why have there been so many deaths around the world?
Trees and ropes.
A telescope has two uses:
1. To look in space. 2. To see your hairline.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?
Because it’s pointless.
Your hairline's so far back, I use it as a ruler to measure things.
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.
If you're cleaning a vacuum, aren't you the vacuum cleaner?
Balls maker.
A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."