A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"
Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."
"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"
What is the worst tool to play when playing the game “Icebreaker”?
The Titanic.
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
What's the difference between a pregnant girl and a light bulb?
... You can unscrew a light bulb, but you can't unscrew a pregnant girl.
What do you call a sharpened pencil? You call a sharpened pencil a sharpened pencil.
Why have there been so many deaths around the world?
Trees and ropes.
A telescope has two uses:
1. To look in space. 2. To see your hairline.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?
Because it’s pointless.
Your hairline's so far back, I use it as a ruler to measure things.
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.
If you're cleaning a vacuum, aren't you the vacuum cleaner?
Balls maker.
A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.
Jackhammer McQueerson
How do you surprise a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
What is six inches, has nuts, and is hard?
A sinkers bar.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words: "You still holding the ladder, son?"
Q: What's the difference between a knife and a razor blade?
A: Depends on which wound bleeds faster.
What does a plug do when he's horny?
He jacks off!
