Tool jokes
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
"Ouch!"
"What's wrong?"
"I stepped on a screw."
"Are you ok?"
"I'm in ex-screw-ciating (excruciating) pain!"
Are you a rope? Cause I'm tryna put you around my neck 😏
What is the difference between a feminist and a knife?
A knife at least has a point.
Why was Santa happy?
Because he had 3 hoes.
What was the most useful tool in the 17th century?
Slaves.
What do you call an emo with no breasts? A cutting board.
You wanna know the difference between a rake and your mom? The rake is actually useful.
Q: What's the best way to carve wood?
A: Whittle by whittle.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
Oh wait, I'm thinking of...
What does a knife have but not my life...
A point.
What’s it called when you give an emo some rope as a present?
Murder.
My four conditions:
1. I need coffee.
2. I need vacation.
3. I need food.
4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.
What did the pencil say to the sharpener? Please grind me!
Are you a builder, because you give me an erection.
You should wear binoculars when calculating. It helps divide.
How did the pornstar cut herself while using a drill?
She was too used to grabbing the tip.
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
So Fred accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.
John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.
"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it, they can sew it back on."
After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is," handing the ear to John.
"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back into the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"