Tool jokes
Why do they call matches, matches?
They all look the same.
Yo mama so fat that you need a jack stand to get her up.
How do you punish a blind person?
Hand them a gun and tell them it’s a hairdryer.
What's a suicidal person's favorite type of bath bomb?
A toaster.
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
"Ouch!"
"What's wrong?"
"I stepped on a screw."
"Are you ok?"
"I'm in ex-screw-ciating (excruciating) pain!"
Are you a rope? Cause I'm tryna put you around my neck 😏
What is the difference between a feminist and a knife?
A knife at least has a point.
Why was Santa happy?
Because he had 3 hoes.
What was the most useful tool in the 17th century?
Slaves.
What do you call an emo with no breasts? A cutting board.
You wanna know the difference between a rake and your mom? The rake is actually useful.
Q: What's the best way to carve wood?
A: Whittle by whittle.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
Oh wait, I'm thinking of...
What does a knife have but not my life...
A point.
What’s it called when you give an emo some rope as a present?
Murder.
My four conditions:
1. I need coffee.
2. I need vacation.
3. I need food.
4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.
What did the pencil say to the sharpener? Please grind me!
Are you a builder, because you give me an erection.