What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
I lent my calculator to a friend. He is using it to this day.
What is the leader of the school supplies?
The ruler!
I knew a guy who used to sell wrenches. He was all torque.
A kid and his dad went to the park. The kid accidentally steps on a cockroach.
They go home immediately and dad gets the scissors. Now the kid has some balls to play with.
I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"
How do you fit a hundred babies into a small bucket?
With a blender.
"We've invented the spade!"
"Oh wow, this is ground-breaking!"
What did the wire say to the electrician?
"Stop twisting my nuts!"
What is small, red, and sitting in the corner?
A baby playing with a scalpel.
What's worse than locking your keys in the car in front of an abortion clinic?
Having to go back inside and ask to borrow a hanger.
What does Drake call his rake?
Da-Rake.
I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"
Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.
Where do sheep go to shop? Shears.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
My new leaf blower doesn't work. It sucks.
You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.
But I also think I screwed it up.
What's better than throwing dead babes?
Catching them after with a pitchfork.
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
