Told jokes

Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we'll be happy forever in heaven, eventually." Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.

My mom told me that Africans don't have food, so I shipped my fat-ass brother.

So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.

Once I told an abortion joke and this woman was like, "I've had an abortion, that's offensive." And I was like, "I just tell jokes, I think what you do is much worse."

Me: Your ugly...

Person: I'm not your mirror...

Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

What did the blonde say when I told a rape joke?

"Can you show me what rape is?"

A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.

I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"

One day I was passing a blind man and I gave him a gun and told him it was a blow dryer.

Next day I went for another walk and saw his grave.

A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"

Today I told my sis, "Knock knock."

She said, "Who's there?"

I said, "I Eat eat my mop."

She said, "I eat mop poo instead of who."

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"

I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

Why did Shawn suddenly fly to Mount Everest, leaving behind friends, family, and food?

Someone told him that "Shelby"'s coming 'round the mountain.

I told my wife I needed a blood transfusion when I could not remember. She said, "Be positive too."

Bad, I am now a ghost writing this.

The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.