The 900+ Best Told Jokes

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him but and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

i told the emo girl that i bet shes jealous of the hanging lights in the gym

3 citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI, their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot them, he walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario, he put the gun up but couldn't pull the trigger so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario, he walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."

I got detention yesterday because I told the emo kid to "Hang in there."

An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance so I pushed her over.

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

i got kicked out of the hospital cause i told all the Covid-19 patents to stay positive.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them...

But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

I told my dad is was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”

The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis, we talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing to her about being suicidal, she's been very helpful throughout it, I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.