Told jokes

I told my sister that when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you're going to have smelly fingers in the morning, and I've never heard her laugh so hard in my life.

I spat on a blind kid and told him it was raining.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

I told my doctor I ate a bunch of bananas. It wasn’t a very a-peeling experience.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍

If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.

I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, "Listen Barack, I'm getting older and I'm having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?" Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. "Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama."

My boss told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that!

There are two doors leading to Heaven: one for henpecked husbands and one for unhenpecked husbands. The line to the door leading to Heaven for henpecked husbands was five abreast and five miles long. The line leading to the door to Heaven for unhenpecked husbands consisted of only one lonely man.

The guys from the henpecked husband line looked at the one man in the unhenpecked husband line and shout, “Hey, Charlie, why are you standing over there for?” Charlie glances over his shoulder and observes a sea of humanity of henpecked husbands as far as the eye can see and says grudgingly, “I don’t know. My wife told me to stand here.”

I saw my girlfriend walking by. I told her, "Wow, you look so beautiful!" and then we started to talk. Then someone came behind me. She said, "What are you doing?" I said, "I'm flirting," and I remember I was talking to my mom, and my girlfriend was HER MOM, which is my sister, but my girlfriend/sister IS MY WIFE, but my mom is my wife too. Looks like I'm getting a divorced but which one, my girlfriend [or] my mom?

The DNA told the tailor that he couldn't find his genes.

A man told his love interest she looked beautiful.

And then his love interest told him she had loads of things to tell him.

And after 3 minutes, she told him he looked fat, ugly, disgusting, creepy, and tiny.

Then the police came and arrested her for saying that.

I told my emo girlfriend, "Do you like the lights?" Oh wait, she ain't got any.

They told me I'd never be good at poetry.

But to date I have made 3 jugs and a vase, and they look lovely!

Our teacher told us to write a story about the life of an object that's not alive, so I wrote a story about an emo kid.

Am I considered a cannibal because I told my mom that Grandma's ashes were sugar?