Time jokes
If Emma Feel had a penny every time someone gave her head, she would have enough to make Mark Zuckerberg and Trump her third-legged bitch.
Me: The last time I used Duolingo was when the dinosaurs went extinct.
Duolingo: Lemme send my twins 2 go 2 ur houze (I got sideways8 twins)
A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!”
He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”
He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”
“No, this is the rink manager!”
Yo mama so old.
Her first Christmas... was the first Christmas!
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?
Me time.
Kids are so ungrateful sometimes. I bought a wheelchair for my son. Did he say thank you? Nope! That mtf just sat in his wheelchair the whole time crying the whole day. 😐
Why did the orphan sit alone in the corner?
They wanted some family time.
Me: September is here!
[Labor Day comes]
Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”
Gf: Babe, do you love me?
Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.
Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...
Bf: Exactly.
Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.
What age is served for breakfast?
Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.
Everybody is talking about Trump having leaks in his office.
I don't see what the problem is. He should just use a better fitting diaper next time.
Crimes in 2018: assault, murder.
Crimes in 2020: coughing in public.
12/8?
My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.
Thank you so much for helping me get to 20 followers! I'm so happy, every time I look at my followers going up, it makes me so happy. I can't wait to keep posting other things on here! <3
Why did the dinosaur take a bath?
So it can get ex-stinked!
Have a great day today!
Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.
If 6 was afraid of 7 because 7-8-9, then why was 10 afraid?
'Cause it was right in the middle of 9/11.