Time jokes
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
The time is 9:11, time to put your phones on airplane mode.
At one point in your life, you were exactly pi years old.
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."
Q: Why is Japan the healthiest country?
A: Last time they had a fat man, 80,000 people died.
The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"
I wonder if the sun is going to rise every morning. Then it dawns on me.
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.
Me.
You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.
Two Trojan warriors were patrolling the streets of Troy at night. It was finally time for their duties to be relieved. When they went back to their houses, one Trojan fell in a puddle. "Nitrogen!" The other called. And the other responded coldly, “Good night.”
If it's on the clock, it's old enough for the cock.
Stupid joke about Stephen Hawking that wasn't funny the first fucking time.
When's the only time a rapeboat is quiet? When he got his uncle's cock in his mouth.
The Middle Ages were called the dark ages because there were too many knights.
Yo mama so fat, it took the Flash 40 years to run around her.
What do apples and depressed kids have in common?
They both hang on trees.
An orphan entered the high school for the first time. He has no knowledge of the school. He went to the secretary and asked where he shall go. The secretary then gave the orphan a schedule and said to the orphan, “Where is homeroom?” The secretary then asked which homeroom number he was assigned, and he said "1." The orphan then started to weep and said that his parents died right as he stole his first base in baseball.
Person: I'd really like it if you'd stop saying my name all the time.
Random Person: Cheesus! That hurt!
Person: SERIOUSLY!?!?
Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?
He gets to tear that ass up one more time.
My teacher got so mad at me for making 9/11 jokes, she hit me twice and I said, "Damn, got hit twice!"