Time jokes

One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"

I met Lebron James, and he was so bald at the time that I could count his hairs.

And that's 1 hair and maybe 2.

What type of people have the world record for most stories read in the shortest amount of time?

Emos, some of them are still in the air.

But when?

A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.

He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there's a knock at the door.

He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says, "What was that all about?"

Yo mama so fat, every time she measures her carbon footprint the website breaks.

When was the last time you could see your whole body in the mirror?

You're so fat, you went on a scale and it said, "One at a time."

Your hairline goes so far back, we learned about it in history class.

One day, a class of children were killed in a bus accident, but only some survived. One was praying that he would survive, and the other said, "First time?"

Why do orphans only have 363 days in the year?

Because they don’t have a Mother's nor Father’s Day.

Why don't Pakis play football? Every time they get a corner, they build a shop.

2 times 4 equals 18?

I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

Which was good. He died during 9/11.

Sorry, I got the joke wrong the first time.

Your mum is so fat, when I was driving I had to swerve to avoid [her]. By the time I had finished, I had ran out of gas.

I went to the store because I had to go to school to run up downstairs because my phone started calling me because I was playing Mario Kart on my kitchen sink's baby grandma, like if you cry every time.

Say "sukki" 10 times fast.

Running out of time to cut the grass, may have to cut it short.

What did Al-Shehhi say to Mohamed Atta?

"We are on time!"