Time jokes
Yo momma's so old that even scientists get baffled about where she lived before Earth was created.
The time I saw you and you asked me to be your friend.
Me: "Yeah... no. You're too ugly. Even your parents never loved you."
Kid: 😭
Like, if you hate wearing a mask.
Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!
True story by the way.
Parent: Have you seen your sister?
Son: No, the last time I saw her was when we were playing hide and seek.
Why is 2020 the worst year? Because COVID-19!
R. Kelly contracted COVID-19 recently. He was quoted as saying it was the first time he caught a case of anything over 18 in years.
That's the last time we park the TARDIS outside the portaloos at Glastonbury!
People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"
And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"
Time for a random Terraria joke.
Q: Why did the guide die at his house?
A: The player dropped his doll in the lava.
(WALL OF FLESH HAS AWOKEN) :| Oh crap!
How many times can you subtract ten from one thousand?
One; after that you're subtracting ten from 990.
I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."
Life is better without my dad annoying me (him smacking me, screaming for something useless, limiting my screen time, and much more).
This dude is so fat, wearing the same damn clothes every day. Every time he turns around, it's his graduation day. He forgot to put a boomerang on his pants because they don't even fit anymore. Last time I saw him coming down the street, it was in a bucket of Popeye's chicken, extra crispy.
Donald Trump travels back in time to talk to his 10-year-old self.
When he sees himself, he says, "Do you see me? I am you, but almost 70 years older."
His 10-year-old self asks him, "Am I going to be famous?"
Trump replies, "Oh yeah, I became president of the United States. Not once. Twice!"
10-year-old Donald was shocked. But he became even more shocked when he heard the next sentence from his current self: "And now take off your pants!"
I remember when I saw my dad's penis for the first time.
I said, "Dad, don't text me shit like that."
What is the difference between a microwave and a basket?
The microwave oven does not explode within the set time.
A vagina is like the weather. Once it’s wet, it’s time to go inside.
I just found out that one of the new Star Wars shows is going to be about the time that some malware overloaded all of their computers, and I can tell from the title that those computers use Windows!
It's called "The Bad Batch File!"
What is written on the gravestone of a TV reporter?
"You must be back at 8:00 p.m."
What do you do in India when you need to tell the time but don't have the money for a watch?
You bob your head from side to side like a metronome.