Time jokes
What time is it when you say, "Wake up?"
It is morning.
I found the best GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-get-the-time-machine.
I’m trying to find out what IDK means. Every time I ask someone, they say, "I don’t know."
Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn’t last long for people.
Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"
The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...
There are times I miss you, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.
Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"
In Africa, in every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
I wasn't close to my dad when he died.
Which was good. He died during 9/11.
Your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?
A baby you cut one off each time.
I would roast you, but your mirror does it every time you look into it.
Why are smurfs blue?
Because they get bruises all the time.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar.
It gets really tense.
On a scale from 1 to America, how free are you this weekend?
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
Q: What did Darth Vader say to his smashed wristwatch?
A: I find your lack of face disturbing.
If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?
Next time I'm at a restaurant, and they ask what I want to drink, I'm going to say "bleach".