Time jokes
I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."
Why was the pregnant cow mad all the time? It wasn’t in for the moo-d.
It's hard to predict the future,
especially before it happens.
"We make sexy time, yes, and every night I tap that."
Your mama so fat, when she stepped on the scale, it said, "One at a time."
I left a chunk of ice outside during summer. That was the first time I heard icescream.
Two Timetravers walk into a bar...
...the bartender then said, "Sorry, we don't serve Timetravers here."
I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."
What goes up but never comes down?
What's the only time a Pentagon has four sides? When a plane intercepts into it.
I’m tall when I’m young, and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?
This dude is so fat, wearing the same damn clothes every day. Every time he turns around, it's his graduation day. He forgot to put a boomerang on his pants because they don't even fit anymore. Last time I saw him coming down the street, it was in a bucket of Popeye's chicken, extra crispy.
Donald Trump travels back in time to talk to his 10-year-old self.
When he sees himself, he says, "Do you see me? I am you, but almost 70 years older."
His 10-year-old self asks him, "Am I going to be famous?"
Trump replies, "Oh yeah, I became president of the United States. Not once. Twice!"
10-year-old Donald was shocked. But he became even more shocked when he heard the next sentence from his current self: "And now take off your pants!"
Leo must be a parking ticket... not because of the “fine” thing, nah, it’s because she’s OVERSTAYED her WELCOME.
To make tea, road, road, road, road.
Case.
The space of space, Der der.
The chosen week was chosen.
Object.
Der mezzer lakes.
Opal didn't hack RapBoat's account, she WAS RapBoat the whole time.
What is the best time to eat dinner?
When you're hungry.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age. You have probably heard this joke before.
Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?
What's the difference between a joke and a tragedy? Timing.