Time jokes

I see that you start work at 9am, but your hairline starts at 9:15am.

You don't usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days.

But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: "Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!"

Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.

Condoms 99 percent effective.

Birth control 99 percent effective.

Etc.

Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.

How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

I was in a toxic relationship. After some time, my girlfriend died. Her name was Happy. Still got no clue of her body, and here I am lying on the bed so fucking happy.

Girl: Daddy, I've been a bad girl.

Priest: For the last time, it's "Father, I have sinned."

A man finds his son climbing the roof of his house. The kid kept using all sorts of material to climb up, but the dad didn't pay much attention.

Next day the kid went to the state tower and kept climbing using some adhesive gloves. The dad asks his son for a second time: "Son! Why are you doing this?" The son replies: "You told me to aim up high!"

Chuck Norris and Time had a race.

Result: Time is still running...

How does an American know that his time has come?

He starts hearing Vietnamese.

I'll slit your throat and kick you in the gut till you die one time.

People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.

Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.

If you take a cap off a bottle, is it decapitation?

Sorry guys, I tried. I tried harder this time. I'll try again. Sorry, I can't delete things.

"Time"? More like waiting.

A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”

Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree.

The person: "Only the last thing left to hang!"

He grabs a noose.

I had a gold fish who could breakdance on the carpet.

For 20 seconds.

And only once... :(

What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?

A baby you cut one off each time.

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.