Time jokes

If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.

What do you get if you cross Damian Lillard and a watch?

I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.

Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?

He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.

There was one girl. She met 5000 guys. She had sex with each of them seven times. She became... - flip screen (=).

If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?

One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said, "Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back, but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said, "I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

Why was the pregnant cow mad all the time? It wasn’t in for the moo-d.

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

Once I was 7.

I was remembering the time when I lost my brother, only until I heard that hide and seek wasn't the best idea, especially in a secluded parking lot in downtown.

I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.

Kid: Why do orphans like tennis?

Dad: Because it's the only time they get "love."

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waste of time.

I am right 95 percent of the time, who cares about that other 5 percent?

One day I had the munchies, so I ate a clock. It was very... time consuming.

I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.

An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.

The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.

The man asks, "Is it your first time?"

The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."

Yo mama so old that when she farts, she farts dust!