Man, everybody's birthday is this year! 🤦🏽♂️
Time Jokes
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar...
"GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts, "We don't serve your type!"
PERSON: I need to go so bad!
TOILET: Long time no pee!!!
Last time I got a piece of ass was when my finger went through the toilet paper.
One time I ate a chair.
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!
"That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face, and someone else is in my space."
Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.
So one time, poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.
He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.
Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.
So, one time poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.
He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.
Hi, here's a joke: You're wasting your time and space, you know it... :D
What's red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing on a razor blade.
What's green and sits in the corner?
Same baby, one week later.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Yo mama so old, she was there when Moses was born.
You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.
When do eggs hatch?
At the CRACK of dawn!
Will you remember me in 7 years?
(Yes)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
My grandfather was there when the Titanic sank. He shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they finally kicked him out of the movie theater... haha
