Time jokes

Once I was 7.

I was remembering the time when I lost my brother, only until I heard that hide and seek wasn't the best idea, especially in a secluded parking lot in downtown.

I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.

Kid: Why do orphans like tennis?

Dad: Because it's the only time they get "love."

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waste of time.

I am right 95 percent of the time, who cares about that other 5 percent?

One day I had the munchies, so I ate a clock. It was very... time consuming.

I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.

An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.

The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.

The man asks, "Is it your first time?"

The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."

Yo mama so old that when she farts, she farts dust!

Me and my mom order Chinese food.

My mom grabs the egg roll and starts licking it up and down and sucking on it in front of the Chinese delivery guy. I said, "Why are you doing that?" Then my mom says, "I love him a long time so we don't have to pay for the food."

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

How do you know someone is fucking dumb?

They put jokes that have been used several times already.

Man, everybody's birthday is this year! 🤦🏽‍♂️

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar...

"GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts, "We don't serve your type!"

PERSON: I need to go so bad!

TOILET: Long time no pee!!!

Last time I got a piece of ass was when my finger went through the toilet paper.

One time I ate a chair.