Time jokes
Someone booted Stephen Hawking offline. Maybe next time he will stand for the pledge/anthem.
What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
By the time you're done with the breasts and the thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
What's the time?
How would I know?
What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.
What did the kid with cancer say? "Can-I see my mom one more time?"
Age is just a number,
Jail is just a room.
The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?
The number 13? Not on my watch!
Alright, my sister is ALWAYS dancing randomly all the time, and what I say is, "Go get you boyfriend, dude!"
If it is someone's birthday, say this for a joke:
"A long time ago in a far away galaxy...
YOU WERE BORN!"
A guy goes to the store to buy thyme.
When he got back to put the thyme away he realized he still had thyme left. This was all for nothing, it was just a big waste of your thyme.
I had amnesia once... maybe twice.
I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi's concerts...
I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.
Stupid joke about Stephen Hawking that wasn't funny the first fucking time.
Why do I call my dog a vibrator?
Because every time my dog acts like a dildo, I beat him, and when I beat him, he shakes. What do you call a shaking dildo? A vibrator, therefore I call my dog a vibrator.
I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.
Have you tried eating a clock?
It's time-consuming!
Three people having sex is a threesome; two people is a twosome. So next time someone calls you "handsome," don't take it as a compliment.
A whale went to the country Wales for vacation.
When it ended, what did he say? "I had a whale of a time!"