Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.
Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.
How to make time fly?
Answer: Throw a clock out of the window.
One time there was a squirrel who died.
It was funny because the squirrel got dead.
I like women how I like my hair dryer: locked in a closet most of the time and only being used to blow me dry.
What's the best part of having sex with a baby?
Deep throat and anal at the same time.
What do you call it when a watch has too many belts?
A waist of your time.
My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!
Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.
Why did the boy shoot the clock?
The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"
What did the clock say when it got punched at noon?
It’s twelve o'clock.
I always talk to my taco before I eat it.
One time it said it was having a bad day and I asked what's wrong. He said I don't want to taco 'bout it!
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
"It's pasture bed time."
Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.
Lady: What did you do?
Man: I took a day off...
Yo mama so old, she was in third grade with Moses.
How many times do you tickle an octopus to get it to laugh?
Ten-tickles!
Who do you call in times of a marriage crisis?
A prostitute, because your wife fucking sucks.
Sonic can run around the world in a second.
In that same time, Chuck Norris can run around the Universe.
Once upon a time lived a fat ass named Steve and got rabies and died. The end!
