Things jokes

Okay, I'm on my last nerve when people say "Water Shark Guy" and other things THAT ARE NOT MY NAME.

This is my name: watersharky!

My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.

A lot of the time he will take things for granite.

A lot of counter-offers were made.

So NFL teams were playing football on me, and then Justin Jefferson hit something called "the gritty" on me.

My sister lost two things today:

1: Her virginity.

2: Her job at the zoo.

What does the ocean do to its friends? It waves. (*Sorry, I wasn’t making any jokes for a while. I was getting sick of this thing.*)

What do Roblox bots do that's both a type of meat and an annoying thing?

Spam.

The thing about animals is every time you pick one up, you have to put it down.

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."

Bro, your hairline and an athletics track have one thing in common: they look like Humpty Dumpty.

See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.

I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.

Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?

Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!

The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!

I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.

Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.

What’s the best thing about sex with 119 year olds? There are 100 of them.

They say that bad things happen to good people.

So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.

Question: What's the smallest thing on earth?

Answer: Your brain.

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?