So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.
What’s better than the best thing ever?
Me being mod.
Donald Trump and Fanta both have some things in common.
They are both orange and were conceived from Nazis!
My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.
What a weird way to start a conversation!
"Others, Morris, Sal, Sal, Rasuba Marid, Things!"
My son is broken: "I think at home!"
Happiness!
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, flags big plus.
The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.
The fact that her breasts block the view is not her fault.
Hannes asks his mother, "Mom, why are the peanuts called peanuts?" Mom replies, "Because they grow in the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why don't strawberries grow in the earth?" Mom replies: "The giraffes originally had a short neck, but it has grown from giraffe to giraffe. The same thing happened with the strawberries. They grew in the earth and grew higher from harvest to harvest until at some point their stems protruded from the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why is my neck so short?" The mother replies: "So many people died in the First and Second World Wars that our necks could not develop at all. It was the same in the Thirty Years' War. We humans have been in so many wars. The giraffes in none and that's why our neck is so short."
I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.
It's my New Year's resolution.
What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?
My dick.
What is the last thing you wanna see during a prostate exam?
The doctor taking off his watch.
A guy is walking down the street when he almost steps in something. He looks down and says, "Looks like shit."
He crouches down and smells it, "Smells like shit."
He sticks his finger in, tastes it, "Tastes like shit."
He then smiles and says, "Well, good thing I didn't step on it!"
Why is hand holding a couple thing? Because they touch each other's genitals anyway.
What's the last thing to go through the minds of 9/11 victims?
Their kneecaps.
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?
I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!
What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?
"Will there be seconds?"
My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.
You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!
Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.
