They're jokes
What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?
They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"
Q: Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
A: Because they're Santa's Starbucks!
I like whiteboards.
They're quite re-markable.
Trees are so social. They're always branching out.
Americans prefer houses with basements. In fact, they're best cellars!
A man is meeting a client in Japan, but arrives a day early. When night hit, he went out with a prostitute. They're having sex, but the prostitute kept shouting "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!", so the man thinks he's doing a good job. The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing, and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!". His client turns around confused and says, "What do you mean wrong hole!?"
What’s the relationship between a pedophile and a light bulb? They're both meant for dark rooms.
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
Q: What does a microwave and an M1 Garand have in common?
A: They both go “ping” when they’re done.
My friend tried to sleep on napkins.
I guess that's why they're called NAP-kins.
Why are women like diapers?
They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
How did two retarded people get ran over in one second?
They're my friends.
What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.
Why do vegetarians give good head?
Because they’re used to eating nuts.
Dark jokes are like Antarctica.
They're cold.
Why don't dinosaurs lay eggs?
Because they're EGGstinct!
RIP K.
When they have a party, they're racist. When they hang out with Ys, they're mean.
A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says, "They're right behind you!"
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
Why don’t oysters give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish! 😂