They're jokes
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
Q: What does a microwave and an M1 Garand have in common?
A: They both go “ping” when they’re done.
My friend tried to sleep on napkins.
I guess that's why they're called NAP-kins.
Why are women like diapers?
They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
How did two retarded people get ran over in one second?
They're my friends.
What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.
Why do vegetarians give good head?
Because they’re used to eating nuts.
Dark jokes are like Antarctica.
They're cold.
Why don't dinosaurs lay eggs?
Because they're EGGstinct!
RIP K.
When they have a party, they're racist. When they hang out with Ys, they're mean.
A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says, "They're right behind you!"
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
Why don’t oysters give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish! 😂
I'm a big fan of white boards; they're remarkable.
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."
Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.
The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"
Why can't America play chess?
They're missing two towers.
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
I love my family when they're buried alive.
A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."